"Forgive and forget. But, if you can't forget, forgive every time you remember."
This was wisdom shared with me by my church mentor when Rob and I struggled with our marriage a few years ago. I just happened to stumble upon my notes a few days ago and found those very words. Today, I needed them more than air, probably because I felt like I could not breath. The burden was too heavy and I could not find my breathe. Forgiveness often feels like an impossible weight to lift.
I just started weight training with a trainer at the gym. He is encouraging and steadfast, holding me accountable and unwavering to the goal. He is consistent. He is committed to working with me to lift the weight. There are not excuses. He knows the facts about me and he has not given me more than I can handle. He knows that I am struggling. He is by my side when I feel that I can't take more. What a perfect example of our Lord!!!
I have mentioned that I have asked God to reveal unresolved sin in my life. This was not only a personal request but, a request to equip me to help Mimi Cate deal with the circumstances in her past that will emerge in the future. I want to stand strong, with honesty and integrity. I want to embrace sufferings and fully recognize the person God wants me to be. It will take some pretty strong arms to carry and contain all of those blessings so I am doing some serious spiritual weight training right now.
So, (sigh), God is opening all the drawers! Drawers that I thought I had efficiently packed and closed with no need to open again. HA! I thought that I had forgiven. I thought that I had moved on. But, God is showing me that I did forgive the other people. I walked away with a false sense of closure and lied to myself that hurt was over. What I am realizing is the hardest forgiveness is... forgiving myself. Forgiving who I was and recognizing the consequences of my sin. Sins from decades ago are still fresh wounds because I have not forgiven the sinner inside of me. I carry that hurt with me every day, I just did not know it. It effects who I am with God, with my loved ones, and the way that I see myself.
Oh, I am all of sudden more determined to lift heavier and go deeper. I am not quitting in the reps and weights. I want this. I want God to polish me to be a shining stone! I want those "Kelly Ripa" arms! I have to go through this exercise in forgiveness because I know that it is coming for my daughter, as well. I want to be there for her when she lifts the forgiveness weights of her past. I want to be her trainer. I want to be steadfast and consistent. I have to be in the best possible spiritual shape because this is going to be hard for her and it is coming sooner than either of us would like.
Oh, by the way, a year from now... I will lose 10% body fat! I will feel my foot, again(nerve damage from my last back surgery), I will be running again, I will have those arms!
This is a part of an email that I got from my best friend and truest sister last night: "Meridith, I know you know this, but I want you to remember who you are. Your sins are washed and completely removed from you. God sees you as his pure and radiant bride (and so does Rob). He sees no spot or stain in you. He delights in you with singing. You are hidden under his wing. You are not who you were, you are completely new in Christ. But don’t forget that Christ loved the girl you were, too, enough to die for you to be with him. " An epiphany moment for me! AHA! I seem to compartmentalize. I HATE who I used to be. I know that Jesus died for the sinner. I never put the two together. Jesus loved me as a sinner therefore, I can't HATE her anymore. Mmmm... I'm just gonna sit in that today. Good stuff! I sure hope that my kids "get it" with much less difficulty than I do. Twenty years as a believer and I am awakened to a basic truth today.
2 comments:
You go, girl! Both are hard work, but not impossible.
I've been through a lot of forgiveness work of my own this past year - both in forgiving others and forgiving myself. Sometimes my sin was that I held unrealistic expectations of the person who hurt me and my hurt came from them not living up to them. Sometimes it was simply not accepting them for who they are and judging their actions as "wrong" (thus making me "right".)
I've also had to go through my own healing journey to forgive those who hurt my children so deeply. I absolutely love what you said about forgiving every time you remember. As is the case with my children, just when I think I'm done being mad at those people half way around the world, something new comes up and tests that resolve.
What I have learned is that there is tremendous healing power in forgiveness. It isn't easy, but oh, it is so worth it. It is also the key that enables me to see those people as Christ sees them as well.
Good luck with your physical fitness quest as well!
"Sometimes my sin was that I held unrealistic expectations of the person who hurt me and my hurt came from them not living up to them." OH, DIANA! You so rock! Thanks for being available to let God speak through you!!!
Yet, another realization to me for the very circumstance that I am dealing with today. Oh, big day!
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